Transitions

Daffodils, jasmine, lavender, and lilac,
from Dayamudra & Nancy

I was going to go for a hike this morning but stayed in bed much of the day instead. So tired. Too much excitement?

I'm a little concerned that I am still so tired. How long will it last? Or am I no more tired than the next guy, just that I can sleep as much as I want to? How much energy am I supposed to have? I seem to have less than other people. I think the docs did tell me that the fatigue could last for a few months.

In the afternoon I went for a walk up to Bernal hill with Karunadakini, then met some folks at The Lone Palm, a bar up the street, for celebratory libations. Robin, Dayamudra, Trish, Bill, Nancy, Mary, Rochelle, Mike, Padmatara, Dhivajri, Helen. I had a ginger beer. Walking home I wanted to stop and buy ice cream but somehow refrained.

A few months ago I left my world and entered the world of cancer. Now maybe I'm coming out of that world. I don't know whether I am or not. I'm assuming I still have secondary cancer/bone sclerosis, but I don't know what the implications of this are. But in some ways I don't want to leave cancer world. I want to keep having a lot of space in my life, and for things to be simple and loving, and to be able to rest when I am tired, and to spend hours lying in bed absorbed in my thoughts, writing.

You might say, wow, do you want cancer or not? What I want is a sane, spacious, and reflective life. I dread my awareness thinning out because it has to take in so many things, and then starts hungering for them...

Of course, I don't want the pain. In the support group yesterday someone suggested a website that seems to be just people with cancer discussing their issues. I am learning a lot. I saw there that even though few people have vaginal adenocarcinoma, many, many people get pelvic radiation. Anyone with cervical cancer gets a virtually identical treatment to what I got. I saw that some of the people who beat cancer end up disabled from the treatment. Either because they lost or wrecked a body part, and/or because they are in constant pain.