Exam, Talk, + Brief Maniacal Planning

A hallway

Julie and I, just like old times, went to Kaiser today. I had an exam and chat with Dr. Littel, who is a gynecological oncologist (an impressive 10 syllables) and a surgeon. Dr. Patel had suggested that because he is the only gynecologist in my posse of doctors, it might be good to get a follow-up exam with him. He was the first oncologist we met, in January I think.

The exam wasn't as painful as I thought it might be. He said there is a freckle sized bit of scar tissue from the radiation (which will probably never go away.) Or it could be dead cells that have yet to free themselves. We asked a lot of questions. He is a really great communicator and uses a lot of metaphors which I like. For example, he said the distant disease thing is like dandelions. If you pick the dandelions, other ones might appear elsewhere, you don't know until later. In response to my question about whether or not I will 'always' be considered high risk for cancer, he said it is all based on history, and I don't have any yet! As years pass, if my scans remain clear, the perceived risk diminishes. I asked him if it would be all right to ask him questions after the PET scan since Tavakoli is away so often. He said he would be happy to, but also that from now on Dr. T. wouldn't be away any more than anyone else and that “He would have been much happier if he hadn't had to leave last time.” The plot thickens...

Strangely, the most helpful thing he said - in response to my asking about my current symptoms - was that many of his patients report feeling 10 years older after cancer treatment. I would say 15 or 20 years...But it made me feel better because otherwise I keep thinking all these symptoms are going to end, that I'm not supposed to feel so much older, especially when I get out of bed in the morning, stiff and creaking like the floorboards of an old house. When suddenly I need to take a shit and I fear I will not make it to safety...Those are the main things I suppose, other than sleeping, say, two hours more per night than I did a few months ago. ...Oh yeah and the hot flashes are fricking out of control. I know it's a thing that happens to women of a certain age, but I feel that that is not the age I am at right now! I'm sorry to be a whiner. The idea of dying didn't bother me as much as the idea that I have aged 20 years (in some ways) in three months...

Glad I don't look
as old as I feel?

So, I feel a lot older than I did a few months ago, in ways that I may or may not have ever happened without the cancer treatment. Of course without the cancer treatment I'd presumably be dead before finding out whether I as going to get arthritis in my hips 'naturally'...

So what Dr. Littel said about his patients feeling older helped me accept this situation, and that feels better than not accepting it. (Then if it goes away, all the better!) On a related note, a couple of people have told me they didn't understand the part in my last post about my sister noticing that I didn't seem to have any anger. Was it a criticism? No, it was a compliment, something she was impressed by. I thought that was obvious! But it wasn't.

I had a very frustrating time at the Kaiser pharmacy trying to get the Barium, which I will drink the morning of my PET scan (tomorrow.) I won't go into the frustrating details. I'm also going to start taking Estradiol for menopausal symptoms. I have three months' worth, I'm going to take it for that long and see how it goes. Misha suggested it. (My type of cancer is not estrogen sensitive so it isn't risky.) I also tried to get a blood test (Misha also suggested I get tested for Vitamin D) but didn't know I was supposed to fast, so have to do it another time.

I've got possible plans bursting out of my sides, but will not reveal them until at least Friday, at which time I will find out the results of tomorrow's scan, which will show 1) whether or not the known cancer in the bones has shrunk, stayed the same, or grown, and, 2) whether or not there is new cancer anywhere in my body.  I will know by around 5pm this Friday. I have felt for the last while that the cancer will be gone, and everything is fine.