Real Things Remind Me Of Fake Things...

...like the clicky bugs at Spirit Rock that sound like a quickly shuffled deck of cards. The sound of cawing crows outside the shrine room evoked an image of Google's Angry Birds (on the right.) Years ago, partly due to altitude sickness, a mountain in Nepal reminded me of Disneyland mountains. Before even that, I was accused of plagiarism by a famous poet at Cal, partly because I thought of Brutus primarily as a cartoon character. Anyway.

Something's always pointing to something else, especially words, they're always leading you somewhere. Words such as cancer must be one of the most fear-inducing words in the English language. Say it: Cancer. Where does it take you? The word changes the body. Chemotherapy, another doozy. The radiation I got ended up being far more painful, with longer term side effects, but I don't think radiation is one of those words.

One of the ugliest interpretations of
this female Buddha that I have
ever seen! Interesting though.

I want to say a little about my recent retreat at Spirit Rock. The main thing is that I was able to sit in meditation more than I thought I would, which was an absolute joy. I did a lot of yoga to stretch out my hips which are so tight. One day I even felt a great deal of peace in my body. But then the next day it all hurt (sitting and doing yoga, lying in bed at night with my sacrum throbbing.)

Last night, my friend Stephanie* helped me refine some simple yoga poses and advised against others (like the lying down twist, which I used to love but which hurts now.) She would suggest something a tiny bit different from what I was doing, and my body would suddenly feel so amazingly right. After a couple of minutes, I felt so happy. In general I have been in very good spirits since the retreat, which is nice, since transitioning off retreat often seems to be very difficult for me.

Left: Historical Buddha
Right: Female wisdom archetype from
Mahayana Buddhism (same figure
as photo above)

The type of practice they do at Spirit Rock is very similar to what I am used to in the Triratna ("Three Jewels") Buddhist Community. Ours it must be said is more 'religious' in that we do rituals and get funny names when we're ordained. We also, I think, emphasize kindness, community, and creativity more, whereas (it seems to me) they're all about meditation/ mindfulness/ wisdom. I loved their Equal Opportunity shrine (see right). In any case I am grateful to them. My last 'retreat allowance' from working for the center paid for most of the retreat, it dawned on my I need to figure out a way to get on retreats, moving forward...

One other thing about the retreat. The first day or two I felt this sadness, but as if I were somehow out of touch with it. The next day I stopped taking prozac**. One is not supposed to do that, but I figured I am taking such a low dose it would be fine. And it was. I felt more in touch with myself. I also stopped taking the masses of supplements for one day, which helped my digestion. After that I cut down on a few things. My condition continues to improve, albeit very, very slowly.

I did apply online for SSDI (Social Security Disability Insurance). What happens next week will determine whether or not I continue with my application or cancel it.

Dr. Tavakoli is leaving town again. So frustrating. I'm sure he has a good reason, but he can't function well as my main/coordinating doctor if he's away so much. So no meeting after the PET scan, but he has a backup, Dr. Shaia (not even the same sub as last time he left!) who I will hopefully be able to talk to. (Alternative is to wait 10 days or so to get the results.)

Next appointments:

Tuesday, May 29, Dr. Littel - He is the first oncologist I met, back in January I think. I have many things I want to ask him about, working with my various conditions that I have now. Julie is coming with me.

Wednesday, May 30, PET scan - the results of this scan will show whether or not my body is free of cancer. If not, chemotherapy...

Friday, 9am - Meet with SSDI folks; 2:30pm talk to Dr. Shaia.

FOOTNOTES
* Stephanie lives in Puna, India, near Iyengar's school, for many years. She travels all over the world training teachers of therapeutic yoga. Here's a video of her.
** I've been taking a small amount (10 mg) of fluoxetine for about a year primarily as a perimenopausal mood stabilizer. But the treatment has abruptly removed the peri...