The Austere Breadth of a Moment

An important notice in my neighborhood

I am getting more involved with things now, the Center, and I have more energy, hence I am dealing with more irritation, depression, and anxiety. However, I feel I am working with it all fairly well.

I had some great chats today - meditation and walk Elaine, Chinese food and an IT'S-IT with Lisa Kee, and a long talk with my sister Kathy (on Skype.)

I went to a support group today at Geary Street. (And it worked, people were there!) I didn't say much; listening was rather fascinating.

Observations:

• Some of those people have dealt with the uncertainty of cancer year after year and endured A LOT more pain than I have. I felt a lot of compassion for them. One woman had had cancer 5 times, 3 different kinds of cancer! Another woman (closer to my age) had bone marrow cancer and was hospitalized for chemotherapy - seven different chemo drugs administered 24 hours a day. A guy said he was in so much pain for around a month he wanted to tear off his face...One woman who had gotten her diagnosis in February said she sometimes cried all day. One lady had had a tracheotomy...
• There was some of what I would call lecturey advice giving. I would have liked to hear people stick to their own experience. The social worker was good. At one point she said to one of them, "Let's let Bob tell us about his experience."
• People talked about the importance of letting the emotions be what they are, just crying or being unhappy when that's how it is. 
• These people have really fought hard for their lives...possibly much harder than I am capable of... or maybe that's just not my language. Mostly I did not feel I had a lot in common with them. Almost all of them were from a different generation, many years older than I.
• Two of the women said they really enjoyed being bald and they missed it when their hair grew back! 

I realized that none of those people have had any certainty about their situation. I realized no oncologist is ever going to say to me, Here's what's going to happen. The treatment tends to entail a lot of suffering over periods of time, and no one knows if it's going to work. That's just the way it is.