Labyrinth

Labyrinth at Land's End (Photo Paris Cullen)

Yesterday I slept for about nine hours, and then had an hour or so of meditation. An excellent start to a day!

Paris, Kathy and I had lunch at Patxi's in Noe Valley and headed for the Haight. It was too wet and cold for the Singaporeans, so we went home, did some organizing (which meant somewhat painfully getting rid of books and art supplies I haven't used in decades), and rented Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. Cull and Paris were both asleep within the first hour!

Today we got me a CT scan in the late morning, and went down to Land's End and Clement Street.

I have been reciting the Tsong Khapa poem in my body in morning meditation. The reason or part of the reason I can let go of anxiety is that I am committed to enjoying my life. Kathy commented today how calm and happy I seem (or something like that.) She said I didn't seem angry or depressed or sad. I said, I am a bit sad, but that's all right.

A theme that is coming through lately is that to some degree I am expecting to die in the not too distant future. Of course, I'm also aware that this may not happen. Sometimes I am more afraid of life than of death. I don't know how to explain that. I'm not depressed. Life has its many joys of course, but it is also relentless and confusing. Having had this cancer experience, with my tenure at the Center ending and my travel options severely curtailed by my medical situation...I don't know which direction to move in my life.

But then again, all this is just stuff going on in my head. If the doctors told me I was very likely to be fine and cancer-free forever, that would cause certain kinds of thoughts. If doctors told me I am likely to die in a year, that would cause other kinds of thoughts. So far, doctors have no predictions, and whatever happens is what happens. Sometimes that means potential scenarios unconsciously and subtly develop themselves. It's difficult to see perspectives or mental states as temporary. Because there is some kind of thread that is linking it to the past, the future...to everything. They can seem substantial.

Tomorrow I will perhaps know more about my prospects.

P.S. I love the word labyrinth.