My Visit with Suvanna--from Paulette

On Friday, I went with Laura and Suvanna to one of her radiation treatments. The nursing staff were really nice and when they took me into the radiation room and introduced me to the machine, all I could think of was "Fuck you". I hate that machine. Of course, this isn't reasonable, the machine is helping her.

I always enjoy spending time with my sister. Now that she has cancer there seems to be a different kind of awareness going on with me. Suvanna, being an over-achiever can't have regular cancer, she has to have super cancer, in a category all it's own: Stage 4b. The highest designation one can get. Having this type of cancer makes time with her seem different. Perhaps knowing my time with her may be limited forces me to see things I haven't noticed before. What I notice when I'm with Suvanna is that she listens rather intently to everything I say. It makes me feel as though everything I'm saying is important. That she really cares and is not just waiting for me to pause so she can say her peace. When I'm with Suvanna, I feel as though I matter.

Sign on Valencia street today

Suvanna is a reliable source of insight and she gives information is such a way that I don't feel pressure or any expectation to take her words. She suggested to me the other day to look at things with curiosity rather than animosity and see what happens when I don't try to push "undesirable" feelings away. This small thing has had a tremendous impact on my life.

My other sister Laura and I participated in a Buddhist ritualistic ceremony dedicated to Suvanna. There was chanting and meditation devoted to cultivation of loving-kindness. I cried the entire time. I felt like I was a part of something really special, something incredibly loving and kind. It didn't matter that I couldn't understand the words. The Heart Sutra and the offerings to Suvanna were moving in a way I don't know how to describe.

It doesn't do any good to wish things were different than they are but I still do. I guess nobody knows how much time they have and at some level knowing my time with her may be shorter than I thought gives me the motivation to make it all count.

I love you to the moon sweet sister.