1. When someone seems to think that they know why you got cancer - it's definitely because of something you did. They're sure it's the type of food you tended to eat, or some poisonous thoughts you had. Which isn't to say that these things couldn't have been a factor. (I am resisting the temptation to show that for me they were not.) But there are also other possibilities - genetic, environmental - and no doubt others we know not of. My working theory is that imbalances in my body caused by perimenopause - depletion, depression, losing a lot of blood - were a factor. At the end of the day, I have no idea why I got cancer. Five oncologists don't know why I got cancer. Does it have to be my fault?
2. People who want to help you so they tell you (or write books that say) that you can cure your own advanced stage cancer - by drinking vegetable juices, eating tumeric, singing, being vegan, or drinking diluted hydrogen peroxide. (I'm exaggerating, but not much.) Alternatively, that you should forgo chemotherapy etc, which is what will really kill you. Certain foods are bad for cancer patients. Those same foods, claims someone else, are good for cancer patients. It has been confusing. However I have mostly chosen my path: Chinese medicine according to Misha Cohen, diet and other lifestyle recommendations from oncologist Keith Block (plus leaning toward foods that are more alkaline), and Kaiser for chemotherapy and radiation.
For balance, see my other post, Benefits of Cancer.
I'm sorry you have the added stress of all that going on. People ask me how my dad died, I tell them "cancer" and they ask what kind. I tell them "lung cancer" and inevitably that ask if he smoked. His cancer was not caused by smoking, but it always feels to me that if he did smoke that people would feel somehow okay about it, like he brought it on himself. Like it was his fault. It makes me feel defensive when people ask that. And, what if he had smoked? Would that have made his relatively young death any less tragic and sad? I suppose people are also looking to hear something that will let them believe it is not likely to happen to them, like, oh yeah, well, he smoked, I don't, so I'm okay. I don't know, but it's painful either way. You just take care of yourself, don't think about the rest of us fools! I love you doll.
ReplyDeleteFrom an email I just got from a friend:
ReplyDeleteMe, I'm with the otters, totally surprised that you could have had a
chance of having cancer. A mutation caused by a cosmic ray could have
created the first cancer cell. How could anyone possibly pretend to
know if that happened? You are doing exactly the right thing. You
aren't denying that you might die. You are doing all the right things
to prepare (writing your will). You are doing the right mix of
rational treatments to prevent dying. People should look at you as the
pioneer that you are. We are all going to die. If I end up in
circumstances similar to yours, I want to use all I can from the
living lesson you are giving all of us on how to be courageous,
rational, a teacher, and a beautiful person while facing death.
Oh, crazy-making and painful. I wonder if people who want to know "why" are asking partly from a place of fear in the face of the senselessness of things. In the context of chronic illness, I experience this kind of comment as the shadow side of preventive medicine and some popular ways of thinking about healing. It is a painful lesson that we can't control our bodies the way it is sometimes suggested we can. This is not a personal failure. Venting seems like an excellent part of your healing plan. You might like this list, though it's not a perfect fit: http://painydays.com/2011/06/13/youre-getting-better-and-other-lies/
ReplyDeleteSending metta, Mary S (I'll explain the "Bitter Fugitives" moniker some day; it's from a haiku)
My sister Kathy writes:
ReplyDeleteI think grief comes in all shapes and sizes even unrecognizable ones like stupid questions and unqualified advice.
These "non-benefits" sound to me like "horrified anxiety". It's people trying to prove to themselves that what you have, they can't "get". Those responses are all about them when the compassionate response would be about you. Thanks for sharing these thoughts. I think people get so fearful around someone courageous like you. And helpless.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kathy.
Love you, beautiful woman.
Varada